the hypo-mania has stopped looking like binge worthy tv show episodes filled with drugs, sex, drama, and trauma, and has started looking a lot like keeping my shit together and my life on track. i am at a point in my healing journey where i no longer blame my dangerous life choices on my mental illness. i never thought i would be where i am. i couldn’t even conceptualize staying alive this long, and i almost didn’t, yet here we are.
when i’m having a hypo-manic episode, it is so hard to tell if i’m just finally feeling stable or if it is in fact an episode. i feel like things are finally turning around and i can not even imagine feeling low again. how could i when everything is absolutely perfect? yet there is a feeling that sits with me, that stays, no matter how well i am or feel. it starts as a whisper in my belly, like a singular flutter from a butterfly. my brain foolishly interprets the sensation for excitement. i am thrilled for all life has to offer.
the feeling is hungry, it feeds, feeds, feeds.
the butterfly gets too big for itself and becomes two. it is happy it is not longer alone, no longer ignored. they flutter in unison.
my brain foolishly interprets this sensation for motivation. i have enough passion and drive to catapult me into next year.
the feeling is famished, it consumes, consumes, consumes.
the butterflies are gluttonous and lustful, they multiple and indulge on my stomach lining. my brain is finally reacting accordingly. i can feel the panic set in, and i begin to lose grip on everything around me. clothes begin to pile next to me where i sleep. the coffee either makes my skin crawl or fall asleep, no in between. i am agitated and mean. i am forgetful. how can i focus on anything with the butterflies eating me? i try to persevere but they are becoming violent.
the feeling is ravenous, hunger of this kind is primal.
the butterflies have eaten through my belly and are loose in my body. they will eat until i am hallow. if i do not kill them they will consume all that i am. once i am hallow, the recovery time will be immense. how does the cycle stop? i am trying to get better at seeing the signs, heed the warnings. yet, it always creeps back up. like there’s always one butterfly that gets left behind.